1999. MONIQUE had A wonderful life, she said, an almost perfect childhood.  She loved her mother and felt loved by her.  Her steph dad use to hit her Mom, she remembers, she was so small then, it didn’t seem so bad to her at all, he was always loving towards her.  Her real father had a new wife, she’d visit them and as a cute 3-year-old the new woman was crazy about her. Things changed as she got older. Her father and his new wife eventually expected their first born, her mother moved in with another woman and she hated her.  She caught them in a lesbian act and from then, aged ten; she drifted from one family member to another for a period of two years.

Somehow she went from staying with her grandmother to visiting a friend, to never going home again.  Two years of pub-crawling, smoking, drinking, and bunking school followed.  Those days she never used drugs but eventually she was kicked out of school and charged with assault, when a girl much bigger than herself insulted her mother she attacked her, she was given a 5 year suspended sentence. The welfare officer assigned to her case said she was a problem child, told her to find a job, else she’d be sent to a reformatory school.  She was in standard six, barely 14 and could not find a job, not even as a waitress, she left school anyway.

Tendrils of long black hair framed a pretty round face, her green eyes avoiding my gaze, staring down at the carpet, she seemed subdued and well mannered.  Madonna face, she had an innocent quality, true representation of virginity, yet I was very sure, even at the tender age of 14, maybe 15, she wasn’t one. She sat with her head down, and the picture touched my heart.  She made me endless cups of tea, hung on to every word I said, went everywhere I did.

Every day she would reveal a little more of herself. Red and skew the little heart tattoo, on her upper right arm, a true symbol of her longing and her lack.  Mistreated, she was driven from home, a girl deprived of her rightful place in her family. Abuse and neglect are shameful acts that do incredible harm to children, both physically and mentally, emotional abuse and neglect can seriously affect a child’s current and future life. The effects of these negative experiences can last a lifetime.

Everything felt so very perfect. We simply bonded. My own daughter, aged ten at the time, chose to live with the father she never knew. This young girl saved me from a life that was destroying me as a mother. I needed her as much as she needed reassurance, a home, a mother and care. One day she decided to hike to the Cape with her boyfriend. I was furious, but could not stop her, eventhough she was only fifteen, she was not my child. She came back eight months later, she was eight months pregnant.

The year 2000. Monique (17)

October 2000. Three months after the birth of her baby, I gave birth to a boy, my fourth child. A series of things happened: she found herself pregnant, again. She decided on an abortion. She wanted to reconcile with her mother, it did not happen. The father of the baby moved in with us, and the relationship was not going well. She then, with the workless, drug addicted young man, for the first time experimented with and started taking drugs. To support their habit she worked at the Escort agency down the road.

We stopped talking and things turned out bad. For months she never told me anything but she could not hide any of what was happening to her. I didn't say anything, afraid that she might leave and take the baby with her. I had so little say over her but she had the power to hurt me by what she said and done.  There is no denying; I care as much about her as I do about my very own children. Feeling like a failure, and not having the right to pull her back on track, I allowed her to slip away from me. 

Its amazing how fast it got worse. She became lazy, simple things that require little effort became an ordeal.  I knew it had to be the drugs, she spoke about nothing else, nothing else seemed of any importance to her. Expanding or cultivating new interests, reading a book or simply making intelligent conversation that isn’t drug or sex related seemed to loose appeal.  She cared little about herself and started to dress like the hooker she had become. I was afraid of her.  I was more afraid for her.

To try and reach her,  I introduced new rules and stuck them to the walls, everywhere - what’s right, what’s wrong.   And both of us knew it wasn’t like it used to be.  For months now she didn’t reach out to me and I had kept my distance. The first rule was communication, she could write it or shout it but we have to start talking. The mere fact that she was still living in the house made her part of the household, whether she felt part of it or not. The last note read that if she doesn’t like the rules of this house she should find another, but to remember each house will have a set of rules, they might not be written all over the walls- but their will be rules!

The result was even more devastating than her choice of career and abusing of drugs.  She became ill and withdrew into her own world.  Almost never leaving her room, never going anywhere, for 2 weeks we merely exchanged glances when passing each other in the passage on the way to the bathroom, seldom did we say anything more than “excuse me” too each other.
I felt a distinct lack of communication, she was a stranger to me now, she was so thin, had lost so much weight, I felt as if I never really knew her.  She was nothing like the bonny girl I got to know.  Those years she was chubby and sweet, caring and fun to be with.  I can’t tell who really changed.  She reckons I did.  To an extent, perhaps I did.  I call it responsibility, and even if she hated it now, one day she would realize, just like I did, that it gives meaning to your life.

At home things didn't work the way she wanted them to, in the end she chose to go her own way. My Life went on shabby and uncertain with police and welfare investigations.   Monique used, for her leaving, the excuse that she didn’t want her life to be the next thing under the magnifying-glass. She lived and worked at the Escourt Agency to move away from me and all the rumors, saying, this way she could make more money to afford moving into a flat. 

I was pretending that I couldn’t care less, and so did she. Confusion and exhaustion made her see problem with everyone, especially me. She didn't trust anyone and I’m sure she felt alone in this troubled world. The only thing for her to do was to move out of the house, away from the people who found mistakes in everything she did.

Starting to clear her room and cupboards to make space for two teenage girls named Rousanne and Charlie, I found a six page letter she must have written before she left, she never personally gave it to me though.  Pointing out my faults she started by saying that I turned out just as big a disappointment to her as she was to me, and that, in some instances, I really was not the same person she knew a few years back.  While she was aware of all the stress I was handling at the time, she believed it will turn out well and that I wasn’t managing it 100%.  She said I try to be so perfect, and that everyone talks to me about problems and that I pretend nothing is wrong in my own life.

It was clear that she was angry and I sensed that she felt manipulated because I was pressurizing her to be more responsible she felt overwhelmed and out of control. She said she is tired of people who want to rule her life, that my opinion has always been important to her, more than I think, she might not be as perfect as I am but this time she thinks I was being unfair.  She then wrote why she chose her profession: “The cost of taking care of my daughter and “I feel depressed and miserable without money.” “I can not just sit and do nothing all day”  “Say what you want to”, she wrote. “I just don’t care, I have my reasons and don’t feel bad for making my choices – but it isn’t really fun, it’s money and that’s all.”

2002. She said: "I want to be irresponsible and careless for just once in my life!" But for a very long time I have not seen her anything but careless and irrisponsible. A heroine overdose, while atg the agency where she worked, halted her path of self-destruct. Her daughter was placed in foster care - not with me, seeing as I had all kinds of accusations against me.There is no doubt that separating Mother and daughter for a while and entering a rehabilitation program was the right thing for the mother. She moved back home and could not wait to be a 24hr mother again, she was then willing to follow ANY programme to the book.

Monique getting ready for work, her daughter always around her.

The social worker liked Monique, and she was kind to her, her litttle girl was given back to her within six months after she 'cleaned up'. During this time a generous woman with a Beauty Salon sponsored her nail course, and she was working there partime, while studying. She learned that you can make money away from prostitution. After completing a practical test, she was offered a position at a very upmarket International Beauty House based in Pretoria. She was given the prospects of a reasonalbe starting salary, with wonderful career advancement opportunities. She was only eighteen years old, but she thought the money to be too little and declined. Not long after getting her daughter back, she went back to drugs and prostitution. Of all the bad choices she has made, this decision has had the worst effect. As stubborn as she is, even she admits that she could have been much further in life, today, if she did not reject that 'once in a life time opportunity'.

In most cases taking the baby away from a troubled young Mom, does not solve the problem.  Monique confessed that if she thought she could not get her child back and she did not have any support and encouragement, perhaps she would have given herself over to a life of drugs completely.   The past 4 years I learned that when a baby gets taken away from a young mother she sees it as personal punishment and someone else’s mistake.  They do not see the bigger picture and in most cases they are not informed of how they are suppose to benefit from this learning curve, or how to get through the ordeal.  When they have too much trouble getting the child back, they simply back off - and disappear.  They will have another child, soon there after, and this time they know all the loop holes and make sure of absolutely NO welfare involvement.

It was not too late for Monique to value everything this world is offering that is free, and realize that she need spend no penny for love, laughter and a quality life. She was however not the only one in the wrong. Even as her ‘substitute mother’ I should have exercised authority over her to keep her from dwelling from the truth and I realized that I should never have told her not to ever come home again if she continues her work at the escort agency and her drugs.  I should have told her instead that I accept her no matter what she does that I want her home no matter what, because I do.  She felt rejection all her life, and I did the same, I rejected her for what she had become.  I should have loved her no matter what.

Deciding to accept and support her no matter what, was a very hard thing to do. To watch her year after year, so thin, to see her behavior, the way she started to think and speak, her language becoming foul, the way she dressed, short skirts, revealing tops, heavy make-up, tattoo's. To say nothing would have been a greater sin, so I tried to convince her time and time again to change her life.

  13 OCTOBER 2002

To MONIQUE

THIS THEN YOUR 19th BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM ME AND MARIO AND THE CHILDREN. On this happy day I once again I feel more like your enemy than your friend, and after lots of souls searching I realised there would be no bigger gift than to try and let you see things from another point of view, or is it another point of you?.  Although today would not be the day you would thank me for this, I know that even you will finally grow up to be, first of all - responsible towards yourself, then your child, after that the world and the people in it.

For aslong as you mix with the people you do, go to the places you do, dress the way you do, speak the way you do, think the way you do, do the things you do, you WILL attract the type of people you do.  And lets be honest are they good to you?  Oh Yes, they want to see you happy & satisfied, and they know money can do that for you, but is all around those circumstances good for you?  Real friends do not allow the ones they care about to self-destruct, they tell it like it is. I want to be a real friend. Understand what I am saying? If i do not tell you these things, who would?

I care about you and your little baby and can not let you continue making money, no matter how much you enjoy having money. In your world, you are the best, perhaps the prettiest, but to people in the real world, it doesn’t look good, you don’t look good. You ought to be a beautiful young girl, with an exciting future, now the only future excitement you have is going to a party.  You have no career to speak of, you entered your occupation at the top level, you will end like all the other old prostitute girls, either in jail or with nothing, not a home, not a bed, not a car, no life, if you continue on this path.

Eventhough they would have managed to have one thing at a time during their ‘career’, like a flat, or sometimes a small car (sponsored by a client) I have never seen any of them have it all at once, unless she stole from her clients aswell.  You girls do the same things every day, talk rubbish, build puzzles, go out, drink, drugs and sex (for, or not for money).  How much time do you spend on cultivating your mind, learning something new, wanting something different for yourself and actually doing something to get there? You are disappointing people and I know you are feeling guilty, that is why you are always defending yourself and what you are doing, until you stop doing the wrong things you will keep thinking that everyone is against you, including me. 

Take a role model to change your image, keep in mind a good person who has achieved things in life, and follow that persons example.  Is there anybody around you that you really want to be like in all ways–THEN GET OUT.  To me it is Jesus, he represents everything that is good and beautiful, powerful & honest.  He is everything that I would want to be.  So I strive to do things the way He would have done it.  I can not always do that, afterall I am a sinful person, I make mistakes, but the more I am willing, the more I will get it right.  And that is the key.  YOU MUST BE WILLING! 

You have been given opportunities and your nail course fell into your lap, would you have done it if you had to pay for it yourself?  You chose to ignore it, for the fear of loosing a good income.  It is sad because now your income will never get better than this – you are at you peak, but your circumstances will continue to get more desperate, eventhough you will have cash, you will never have anything of real value. Prostitution does not pay. You are so young. Please take a good look at yourself, and turn back, it is never too late to get of the wrong road.

Sue