We were finally totally depending on my husbands income, and our debts were rising. Myincome was by then just enough to manage the domestic workers salaries, I worked for hardly anything else. He started giving 10% of his income to the church and believed that we would be blessed. I laughed at him. What was he thinking?! We already dedicated all our resources and energy to charity, we have given our entire income, we share our house, car, money, toothpaste, even given away our underwear. We constantly had to replace what the streetkids stole, even the pets - the parrot, cat and pedigree dog - disappeared. We had no privacy, no intimacy, nothing that is just ours not even time. What have we used for ourselves, and what church would we give it to? We did not even go to church!
Once before, when in dire need of food, we contacted nine churches closest to us, left messages on answering machines as it was a Sunday night. Not one church returned our call the next day. The people we did manage to speak to that night refered us to other people, it was a fruitless waste of cellphone money, and the streetkids went to bed hungry, including my own children. I did not believe in church and I did not believe God could - or would do anything to assit us with our needs.
For some time I had the vision of a shelter for street kids, a place away from my our own home, and I pursued this goal with utmost determination. Many nights after the children had gone to bed I worked late, aiming to increase the knowledge of the realities of Streetkids in South Africa to those who can make a difference. A little colorful News Letter for families, a service plan to the Government, and many proposals to businesses all created in fruitful quiet hours. This passion drove me to loose pieces of myself, my income, my life and eventually, my husband.
My husband was my only source of inspiration and comfort during those crazy days. He’d come home after an eight hour working day and make dinner, bath our own little children, put them to bed and read them a story. He’d massage my shoulders and kiss my headache away and then he’d go to bed - alone. I was beginning to feel so tired all the time. Falling asleep anywhere, driving the car, I'd fall asleep whe I stopped at a red robot, waking up tired, yet I could not sleep at night. I had become a Rag Doll, dull, floppy and useless to him. For months, we had trouble in our relationship, as he felt understandably left out. He is a gentle person, kind of heart – polite in every way. He was the one person who had the ability and willingness to allow me to be what I chose for myself, without any insistence that I satisfy him. I never sensed his resentment of having to support not only our kids but also those of others, as I was becoming more and more unavailable to him and his needs.
One morning he saw no purpose and meaning in our togetherness anymore and withdrew from me and the streetkids. I never expected this. Was I too busy pleasing everyone? For moments only, to save my relationship, I considered giving up the streetkids. I too wanted a chance to have a normal life, but how could I ever consider my own happiness above theirs? Sending them back to where they came from, the streets, hotels, drugs, abuse, neglect, fear…. I suddenly knew where my commitment should be, I moved out with our own children and moved in with the streetkids, to continue with what I then thought to be the single most important thing in my entire life. I have come too far, suffered too much, for the streetkids. I can’t give up now! I have to hold on…but to What? Many times in my dark, lonely room I wondered; "What am I holding on to?"
I did not know the answer.
That song: “It’s a fine time to leave me…” It kept coming into my head. I felt dumped. He was moving on to higher ground and I was left behind, stuck in an unpleasant place. The streetkids filled my life and empty spaces in many ways, but I missed his dedication that powered me to fight another day. Looking deep into my heart I knew I found the one man I dearly loved, he was the sparkling one who brushed gold dust each time he passed me by. He has given me vision, but he did not see things my way. Defending the fatherless was not his mission in life, he said. “Sometimes it feels there is more people than I could handle, there was no room in the house where I could just be alone for a second.” Although I understood the longing for a more simple family life, his argument made me furious.
One night alone in my bedroom, deserted and deeply distressed, I found myself broken to the ground, on my knees, flat on my face, at the feet of God. His presence was awesome as I felt He listened attentively to my sobbing. Gracious as He is, He gave me something to hold on to - the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit to comfort my tormented soul. That day I found what many people already know- there is a God. Today I realise that all that had happened was in His planning. Would I have sought a relationship with Him If I was not completely alone?
There was nothing left, other than to believe in an unseen God. His power was within me, I felt the rush and I just knew I could trust Him, a spiritual journey began. As I continued to read my Bible, several verses in Isaih comforted and made me feel stronger. "Put no more confidence in mortals. What are they worth?" Isaiah 2:22. To this day, to me, the book of ISAIAH, is the most beautiful. I found hope and peace in almost every single chapter and made it my own. Isaiah 54:5 "Your Creator will be like a husband to you- The Lord Allmighty is His name. The Holy God of Isreal will save you- He is the ruler of all the world."
Although I never imagined my life without my husband, It was time to restructure my dreams, and to continue the mission - alone if I must. Isaiah 58:7 "Share your food with the hungry and open your homes to the homeless and poor." So sure they would suffer a miserable fate, I gave up some of my own personal dreams, believing it was the right thing to do. Yet, I felt trapped and miserable.
Watching 34 children sleep that night I made a firm commitment to continue with this important task. "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." (Isaiah 61:1-3 NKJV)
The streetkids showed real concern for my husband and I, they urged us to sort out the problem. "Please think clearly before you make the biggest mistake of your life." They wrote: "You are like a Mother and Father to us. We love you both and have seen how it is when parents break up and we don't want it for you." The streetkids did not even realize they were the problem!
In the end we all convinced the man I love to return home. I had to promise to make more time for him and considered it a small price to pay. After careful calculations and as a means to have more time for ourselves to mend our relationship, he suggested we live in a home apart from the streetkids to have more privacy and 'time off'. |
